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aaangyl
aaangyl
YES WE CAN HAS!
Wed, Apr. 30th, 2008 04:51 pm
// Boobies. /

39CommentReply

aaangyl
aaangyl
YES WE CAN HAS!
Thu, May. 1st, 2008 04:02 am (UTC)

Woah baby.

Breathe. Slowly. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Deep breaths. K?


ReplyThread Parent

aaangyl
aaangyl
YES WE CAN HAS!
Thu, May. 1st, 2008 04:55 am (UTC)

I type a lot more slowly than you, I think, and I'm doing stuff other than responding here, so please don't read the slowness of my responses as trying to avoid answering you, btw. I do want to communicate here and bring us both to a better understanding.


ReplyThread Parent

aaangyl
aaangyl
YES WE CAN HAS!
Thu, May. 1st, 2008 05:58 am (UTC)

Thank YOU. I can tell you're really trying, and I appreciate that a lot.


ReplyThread Parent


aaangyl
aaangyl
YES WE CAN HAS!
Thu, May. 1st, 2008 05:38 am (UTC)

Okay, so, let's see. You're saying you want people to like you. I'm down with that. I want people to like me too. It feels really good to be liked and wanted and appreciated.

You're also saying that in many aspects of your life, you're quite successful at getting that validation. There's a sense that in those cases you understand "the rules" that doing X will probably get you Y. But the areas where you don't understand this frustrate the hell out of you, and you spend a lot of time worrying about it. One of these areas is the social "new kid" arena.

In a "new kid" arena, there's an adage regarding "lurk first". You're the new kid, you want to make a good impression, but you don't know how the social rules work in this new place. It's very common to want a reductionist approach where there's a script you can run that'll make people like you, but it's way more complicated than that. When you "lurk", you have a chance to watch the group, to get an idea of their rules and dynamics. Then something important needs to happen, that's in the end a pretty advanced thing. You need to evaluate the value of that social system to you. How well does it line up with your values and the rules that "make sense" to you? Are these people who are going to add value to your life? The fact is, not all instances of "someone liking you" are equal, just like not all instances of "someone attracted to you" are equal. Part of respecting yourself is learning that sometimes the social network's game is destructive bullshit, and if you were the king of it you'd just be the king of bullshit, and what is that worth? If you take the path of personal responsibility, a couple milestones in you discover that the vast majority of people are playing an entirely different game. I've known (and, in fact, been) geeks and nerds that have approached the "big game" and learned how to each popularity in it. (There's a "Why Nerds Are Unpopular" essay you can google that covers this.) In almost every case, they've come out of it going, "uh, that was interesting, but it was waaaay more work and effort than I want to put in to something so shallow". I guess there's validity in the claim that nerds aren't popular because they have other things that are more important to them than winning the social "big game". So when you're being the "new kid," take that time to look at the situation and see if there's substance there. Go in gently, ask questions, and read responses multiple times, with lots of breathing and trying to get out of the cell of your own head. Try to get into their head and figure out what they're saying, then ask them questions about it. Don't tell them what they told you, because they'll say you're putting words in their mouth. Remember, the rule of communication is that reports of internal things are to be accepted. So if you respond with your internal experiences, and they proceed to disrespect, attack, invalidate them, if they try to take your power or give you theirs... they're not communicating properly, they might not even know how, and the conversation might be pretty worthless and/or frustrating. Then respect yourself and walk away from it. It's hard to even go into if someone is "right" or "wrong" if you can't get a basic communication going, and both people need to play for it to work. If a community, or person, or whatever, is playing a game that doesn't follow communication rules (and by the way, there really is a communication method with rules and there are like 500,000 books and essays on it out there and people charge $$$$$ to teach it to top executives who have nevertheless managed to make it so far without the skills, but are learning it because they can do SO MUCH MORE when they have those skills too. Ultimately it can only be taught if there's a real passion for learning it though.), then it's a community or person that's going to endlessly frustrate you.

Whatthecraplimit. [Snip.]


ReplyThread Parent
aaangyl
aaangyl
YES WE CAN HAS!
Thu, May. 1st, 2008 05:39 am (UTC)

Nerd culture is a fail because its rules and customs don't include communication, boundaries, personal responsibility. Instead you have trolls and flame wars and pointing out grammar errors, you have victim-blaming and buck-passing and passive aggression and DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. Being a top dog in this system means you've mastered the art of some really psychologically fucked up = unhealthy modes of operation. Yet there are people that participate in the culture to some degree or another without being unhealthy - it's just that most of them learned to be healthy from somewhere outside the nerd culture, which would DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA at the very NOTION that there could be "healthy" and "unhealthy" social interactions, or that boundaries could be good or that their feelings belong to them.

Does this help with the how this works question? Do you have a specific example you'd like me to speculate on? Did I miss an important question?


ReplyThread Parent